Comments on: “I had fun with that man.” http://mamadharma.net/2008/12/i-had-fun-with-that-man/ one single mother. one spririted preschooler. oy -- what a life. Wed, 08 Feb 2012 15:15:13 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6 By: won http://mamadharma.net/2008/12/i-had-fun-with-that-man/#comment-537 won Wed, 17 Dec 2008 04:28:13 +0000 http://mamadharma.net/?p=389#comment-537 You wrote: " I still could not look at him, could not meet his gaze. This is an old pattern, where he is very scary and verbally abusive to me, then apologizes, but continues to repeat the behavior." Once an abuser has instilled the fear, it it remains. Whatever tone his voice was in at that moment was not relevant. It could only have taken a look, a certain body posture or an inference to take you right back to feeling his abusive power again. It does not surprise me that you could not meet his gaze. This is one way you could be protecting yourself. You wrote:

” I still could not look at him, could not meet his gaze. This is an old pattern, where he is very scary and verbally abusive to me, then apologizes, but continues to repeat the behavior.”

Once an abuser has instilled the fear, it it remains. Whatever tone his voice was in at that moment was not relevant. It could only have taken a look, a certain body posture or an inference to take you right back to feeling his abusive power again.

It does not surprise me that you could not meet his gaze. This is one way you could be protecting yourself.

]]> By: G http://mamadharma.net/2008/12/i-had-fun-with-that-man/#comment-536 G Wed, 17 Dec 2008 03:22:46 +0000 http://mamadharma.net/?p=389#comment-536 Hi sweetie, Brave, brave you! It has all been said so well above there isn't anymore advice to add. The hardest thing about parenting is to allow your children to feel, to risk, to be exposed to everything we want to shelter them from. You are doing great, and Sami will be fine because he has you (and a new forklift!). Now, after all that greatness - do something just for you - remember to nurture yourself and allow us to help! Huge hugs to you both - I will light a candle for you. G Hi sweetie,

Brave, brave you! It has all been said so well above there isn’t anymore advice to add. The hardest thing about parenting is to allow your children to feel, to risk, to be exposed to everything we want to shelter them from.

You are doing great, and Sami will be fine because he has you (and a new forklift!). Now, after all that greatness - do something just for you - remember to nurture yourself and allow us to help!

Huge hugs to you both - I will light a candle for you.
G

]]> By: dadshouse http://mamadharma.net/2008/12/i-had-fun-with-that-man/#comment-534 dadshouse Tue, 16 Dec 2008 19:57:57 +0000 http://mamadharma.net/?p=389#comment-534 I'm sure Sami will be fine whether your ex is around or not. You are doing a great job mothering. But I do think kids benefit from having both parents around. A father figure is important. If your ex chooses to be in Sami's life, and you allow it, I think it will benefit Sami in the long run. Co-parenting isn't easy, but it is rewarding. I've been doing it for nearly a decade now. I’m sure Sami will be fine whether your ex is around or not. You are doing a great job mothering. But I do think kids benefit from having both parents around. A father figure is important. If your ex chooses to be in Sami’s life, and you allow it, I think it will benefit Sami in the long run. Co-parenting isn’t easy, but it is rewarding. I’ve been doing it for nearly a decade now.

]]> By: Mike http://mamadharma.net/2008/12/i-had-fun-with-that-man/#comment-532 Mike Tue, 16 Dec 2008 17:18:14 +0000 http://mamadharma.net/?p=389#comment-532 I pray for Sami that your ex stays around for him since it is so important. It does suck that if you don't take care of things they get buried alive inside of us waiting for that moment to crawl out and cause havoc. T's comment was right on. I pray for Sami that your ex stays around for him since it is so important. It does suck that if you don’t take care of things they get buried alive inside of us waiting for that moment to crawl out and cause havoc.

T’s comment was right on.

]]> By: T http://mamadharma.net/2008/12/i-had-fun-with-that-man/#comment-531 T Tue, 16 Dec 2008 14:50:10 +0000 http://mamadharma.net/?p=389#comment-531 Isn't it funny how being right doesn't always bring us peace? It sounds like you handled the evening well. And I love your realization that perhaps you do still have wounds to heal. Those that "push our buttons" are our greatest teachers... exposing those wounds so that we have to face them and let them go. After the wounds are released, our vision is so much clearer. You will feel so much lighter. I'm curious how your ex feels about the evening. Perhaps it has conjured us his own past pain of seeing you and having an absentee father too. I would imagine you're both feeling intense pain. Love that baby boy and try not to see him as a victim. If you show him his strength, he will survive whatever life throws his way. ((hugs)) You're doing great girl! Isn’t it funny how being right doesn’t always bring us peace?

It sounds like you handled the evening well. And I love your realization that perhaps you do still have wounds to heal. Those that “push our buttons” are our greatest teachers… exposing those wounds so that we have to face them and let them go. After the wounds are released, our vision is so much clearer. You will feel so much lighter.

I’m curious how your ex feels about the evening. Perhaps it has conjured us his own past pain of seeing you and having an absentee father too. I would imagine you’re both feeling intense pain.

Love that baby boy and try not to see him as a victim. If you show him his strength, he will survive whatever life throws his way.

((hugs))

You’re doing great girl!

]]> By: Ms. Single Mama http://mamadharma.net/2008/12/i-had-fun-with-that-man/#comment-530 Ms. Single Mama Tue, 16 Dec 2008 14:07:07 +0000 http://mamadharma.net/?p=389#comment-530 He will be fine. He will. Because he has such a strong and amazing mother who loves him so much. When I saw my therpaist last week she said... before three it's all emotional memories. Your son has never felt fear, heard fights, been the recipient of broken promises. Think about all of the good. And all of the amazing men - like Barack Obama - who have been raisd with an absent father. I know what you mean though - hating to be right. My greatest fear - that one day - not sure when - his father will go back to Canada and just leave finally. And I dread it will be when Benjamin is well past three. Perhaps though, if he doesn't have a regular routine with him you should consider - if you can - keeping him out of his life. What a tough decision. Keep me posted. He will be fine.

He will. Because he has such a strong and amazing mother who loves him so much.

When I saw my therpaist last week she said… before three it’s all emotional memories. Your son has never felt fear, heard fights, been the recipient of broken promises. Think about all of the good. And all of the amazing men - like Barack Obama - who have been raisd with an absent father.

I know what you mean though - hating to be right.

My greatest fear - that one day - not sure when - his father will go back to Canada and just leave finally. And I dread it will be when Benjamin is well past three.

Perhaps though, if he doesn’t have a regular routine with him you should consider - if you can - keeping him out of his life. What a tough decision.

Keep me posted.

]]>